Eye Surgery, Part V

The surgeon said he is focused on me
being able to see single vision again when I look straight ahead.
They can achieve this part through surgery
which will take an hour under general anesthesia. 

Met with the eye surgeon today. The last time I saw him was in October. He told me there was a slight improvement in how my eyes were aligned since the last time I saw him six months prior.  He commented on how it's unusual to see any kind of improvement over that time period.  There's an 85% to 90% percent chance the surgery will work and I will have single vision again.There's a possibility I may have double vision when I move my head from side to side and then my eyes will have to learn to adjust back to single vision again.

Example of double vision I've seen for a year.
When I move my head the right, the images separate further.
 I move my head to the left, the images move closer together.
There's a chance after surgery I will still
see double a little when I move my head.
The brain may auto correct this and merge the images together.
 It can take 3 months for the eyes to adjust to the surgery.

The surgery will take an hour and then once I'm awake I'll be able to tell whether or not the vision is corrected. If an adjustment needs to be made, adjustable suture stitches will hang from my right eye.I will receive eye drops to numb my eye and they'll be able to make the adjustment with me awake. Which should only take 20 minutes if needed. 

It's outpatient surgery and I'll get to go home the same day. See the doctor for a follow up the next day then again in three months. After the surgery it will take three months for my eye to adjust to the changes. 

There's a chance I'll need to have prisms added to my lenses to fix any remaining double vision after the surgery. 

I am both happy and angry about the situation at the same time. Angry because in these situations you make if/then statements. If doctors had listened to me in 2009 and corrected the issues I was having then, I wouldn't be dealing with this now.

Eye contraption

But that's not what happened. I may animate what I feel like doing to the medical professionals responsible for this happening.

2nd view from the waiting area

All the changes in my body over the last year from these brain injuries is an adjustment to make. It's like grief, you have to adjust to living without the relationship. You still grieve for what is no longer there. but You're able to function again like you did prior again over time.  

1st view from the waiting area

Flowers by the front desk.

The doctor asked me whether I had a preference to using the adjustable stitch method or having the correction done. I didn't have a preference for one or the other, however I commented how I could handle seeing the adjustment being made if needed because as I stated, 'After what I've already been through, I shouldn't have any issues with 'seeing" anything once the procedure is complete. I've survived being up at 2am with feeling and hearing the shunt overheat inside my brain multiple times prior to the March surgery. I've had a camera stuck up my nose and down my throat while awake. I don't feel 'seeing' the last part of the eye surgery will freak me out too much. Still weird though.

1 year and 12 days

Today its the first year anniversary of my multiple brain injuries. Part of me is grateful I survived the ordeal and I'm able to resume most of my activities. However, I am apprehensive about seeing another neurologist/neurosurgeon regarding future care for my shunt. I've spent the last year with double vision and on Monday, March 9, I will meet with the eye surgeon to go over details of my eye surgery, the date and time.

I've been pre-occupied with having surgery to correct my vision from what happened to me 12 months ago.  I have extreme trust issues regarding hospitals and my shunt being revised.

I've had people say fairly insensitive, rude comments to me regarding how I'm suppose to be recovering and what I should be feeling.  I don't talk to these people anymore. A family friend had made the following a few months ago:

"What happened to you wasn't that big of a deal and you need to get over it. There are people who are worse off than you."

Me thinking: Would you like me to crack your head open with a golf club and demonstrate what I mean by brain injuries?

My response: "I was in rehab for three months, I saw people who had lost both their legs and had to walk using prosthetic legs, people who had strokes in their foreheads and could no longer speak, or people who were paralyzed from the neck down and could no longer move any part of their body at all. So I get I am very fortunate and grateful. However, I didn't just bump my head. My brain was bleeding in three places and I had a traumatic brain injury. I had to re learn how to walk, speak, stand, swallow, interact with people/environments and breathe.

And then there was silence.

I've been feeling a lot better (Physically, neurologically) these last few months. I think because my body is continuing to heal itself. My hand writing is close to what it was a year ago. My hand moves almost as it did. The hand writing isn't exactly as it was before, but it's close enough. Others may not notice a difference, but I do.

I think some people are quick to assume because I'm in school means my injuries were not too bad.  I do have some brain damage - processing is slower. It takes me longer to get things done. I'm getting closer to where I was cognitively last year, but there are still some issues.  I had a cognitive test done last week (three hours) and I'll find out the full report of " what it all means' most likely during the week I am to have my vision corrected. 12 more days left to go until I have single vision again.

Plastic Teeth

I went to the dentist today and received my jaw guard to wear at night to prevent my teeth from grinding and possibly help with the TMJ disorder I started having after the brain injuries... it will be a year in two weeks, I have mixed feelings about it - both happy and stressed, as I will be having eye muscle surgery to correct the double vision I've had for a year.

I had cognitive testing today with a neuro-psychologist to measure my ability to reason, make decisions logically. I have to say it was intense neurologically. My functioning has been impacted  in some ways from what happened to me. Some things I am able to do such as read, write, follow directions. I do have some short term memory issues and solving problems.

I will try the plastic teeth thing I was given today when I go to sleep tonight.

Curious to see how/when it relives my TMJ issues.

My new jaw splint which I received on Friday. I am suppose to wear it at night. 

Seven Weeks

Still dealing with a lot of trauma and PTSD. The triggers are a bit much though....being in a hospital three days a week at the Recovery Center for Substance Abuse. The unit I am interning in is on the same floor as the acute stroke unit. I would pass by the stroke unit on my way to the Recovery Center. I started to enter the Center through the Outpatient side so I wouldn't have to walk by the stroke unit...

For the first two months I was there in September and October, I wouldn't leave the offices because just walking on the until, seeing the patient food trays, patient rooms and the smell of the hospital is also a trigger...

Funny enough we're reading about all the different type of traumas in school. I just closed a case at the hospital this week where I was working with a 29 year old veteran from the Marines who has PTSD.

Because of the experience I had, now I'm hypersensitive and feel each time when the shunt over drains or pumps too much in my stomach. I also have occasional pain in my abdomen and have had what I think is nerve pain and throbbing in two parts of my brain. On the left side and on the top right corner. There is numbness there too. Not sure what it is when I go see the new neurologist perhaps he/she can offer some insight. Counting down the weeks until I get my eye fixed which will be on the third week of March. 

I have an appointment next month to meet with my dentist to get fitted for a stabilization splint to wear inside my mouth at night. It's suppose to help alleviate the symptoms of TMJ disorder I developed after all the brain trauma experienced last March. 

When I'm not going crazy with everything that's been going on I make some time for art. Currently dealing with the PTSD and trauma slowly through EMDR therapy. It's hard to get people to understand therapy is a process. I think some people just want everything to be better instantly because they themselves can't handle or don't want to think about the pain you are experiencing. 

Seven weeks until I get my eye fixed the third week of March. 

Anniversaries

 I'm in pain most of the day in some part of my body. Sometimes I can take a pain reliever and it will go away only to return again at some point later on in the day. It never ends.

I will be having eye muscle surgery towards the end of March. Also around the same time as the 1st anniversary of my multiple brain injuries. I've had some people say really insensitive comments regarding my recovery: Things such as,  'I should just stop being angry or there are people worse off than me. 'I understand all of these things, I was in rehab for three months I saw people who lost both
of their legs and had to use prosthetics, others had strokes in their foreheads and could no longer speak, some were paralyzed from the neck down. I understand I am fortunate to be able to continue the work I was doing prior to when this happened. At the same time, I had four different injuries and have pushed myself to finish things like school or other projects I am working. It's hard enough getting people to understand why I have issues with regulating my emotions now. I've had to correct these people (some family, friends) and remind them of what I'm trying to do is not easy.   I wonder how others would react to experiencing the following: re learn how to walk, stand, swallow, feed yourself and breathe after you've had two brain bleeds ( one intracrainial on the left, another on the right side, an intraparenchymal ) a hemorrhagic stroke and a traumatic brain injury.

I laugh and cry for longer periods than I did before.  I have less patience for people using their car horns just so they can get somewhere quickly. Not to say poor me or anything (I'm usually very good about not doing so ) The entire recovery process has been a struggle.  I have a lot of ptsd and trauma associated and multiple grieving processes with how my body used to work and how things are now.

Besides the issues with my eye I may be at 85% back to where I was before all this began. However, I still regularly have pains behind the muscle in the my eye, inside the iris and nerve ( it's nerve damage and not related to my eye muscle according to the neuro-opthamologist. I feel every time the shunt over-drains in my lower abdomen or at the top of my head. I've become hyper sensitive from everything that has gone on over the last five years. I've also come to the conclusion holding on to some anger will not let this happen again and forgiveness is overrated in certain situations. It's been difficult functioning with only one eye exposed. I've had double vision for 10 months now. Lately, I've been struggling with transportation and having to wear the tape on my glasses.  It will be a year in March.  I have mixed feelings about the 1st anniversary. Grateful to be able to do the work I do, as there were good things which developed out of this horrifying experience.....at the time it makes me both angry and depressed.

My drawings are better than they were before, but my hand writing is different. My had doesn't move the same way it did before...

Eye Surgery Part III

I went to see the neuro-opthamologist again on Monday for a follow up appointment regarding the condition of my right eye. He said the eye muscle has not gotten worse since my brain injuries in March earlier this year. The pain I feel inside the iris and in the nerves and muscles behind and inside the eye is not from the eye getting stronger, it's probably from another injury related to the brainstem stroke I had.

When I saw the ENT specialist he had suggested I could have a condition called TMJ or Temporomanibular Joint Disorder. There are times when my jaw locks and I can't move it, there have also been incidents where I have pain on the right side of my neck underneath my jaw. During the pain episodes I cannot swallow for a minute until the pain goes away. The pain above my jaw is usually followed by a sharp pain inside my right ear. This has been going on for 10 months since I had the brain injuries in March. The jaw incidents are not everyday, they vary. Sometimes happening every day or multiple times a day or going on a few days without having any episodes. I have to go see a specialist regarding this. The TMJ most likely occurred when I had the hemorrhage on my left side which caused the stroke. The stress on my body most likely caused me to grind my teeth which as a result moved my jaw out of place and messed up some nerves in the process.

On Monday I schedule my eye muscle surgery. It will be towards the end of March. Since it's an outpatient procedure, I'll get to go home after the surgery and then see the eye surgeon again the next day for a follow up appointment.

I have to keep the tape on my right glasses lens in the meantime because of the double vision.  I have about 83 days before I get my eye fixed. I've had double vision for a year in March. I don't need to explain why it's a challenge to continue to function with all these issues going on inside my body between nerve issues and overall recovery.  Sometimes it's hard to get some people to understand what the recovery process really means and why it can be really frustrating, joyful and painful all at the same time. I've had to go through multiple grieving processes within my own body of what I can do and what I was able to do a year ago when things were different. For example, my drawings are better than they were before, but my hand writing is different. They way my hand moves when it's writing out words is not the same as it was last year. My hand doesn't move the same way. The hadn writing itself looks the same ( kind of ) . The countdown begins....

Stories and Thin Cameras

This morning I had a very small camera stuck up my nose and down my throat. Since I had multiple brain injuries in March, I've been feeling a sharp pain inside my right ear and underneath my jaw near the salivary gland. There are times when I can't even open my mouth and feels ( for a few seconds) as if my throat is closing. This happens at different times. Sometimes in the evenings, mornings afternoons, or on the rare occasion while I'm eating (which happened a few days ago).  I went to see a throat specialist today where he inserted a camera up my right nostril and down my throat. This hurt quite a bit. Once a spent a few moments with my mouth open and making sounds from my throat he removed the camera. It felt more painful having it pulled out through my nose.  Once it was removed a large tear ran from my right eye. Luckily I had tissues in my bag. I had to take aspirin to help alleviate the pain inside my nose. Even now at 5:28pm my nostril still feels a little sore.  I was told there is nothing wrong with the glands near my throat or anything inside my ear. The pain I feel apparently has something to do with my teeth grinding. I was told I should see a dentist to get fitted for something to wear at night inside my mouth The grinding at night is was is causing the pain inside my throat and ear.

We'll see what the dentist says and if it resolves the issue.

I wasn't grinding my teeth before March.

It only started after the injuries I had on March 6.....

In other news....

I may have mentioned in an earlier post about stories I had while in rehab. I was thinking about them today in order to cheer up my mood:

It was breakfast time ( I think during my second week ) we (the patients) were seated at the two tables in the common/room cafeteria in strapped into our wheelchairs. There was only one aide in the room and she left our breakfast trays on the metal shelves in the middle of the room. She was called away before she started to serve us.  We all sat in our wheelchairs a little after 8am.  She didn't return for 15 minutes. The man seated next to me said, "I guess we have to serve ourselves." His statement made me laugh and still makes me laugh now when I think about it. It's both depressing and funny at the same time.  It was a bit ridiculous, we're all belted to our wheelchairs and no one can go walk across the room to get a tray.  The seat belts were tied behind the wheelchair so there wasn't any way for you to unbuckle yourself.

Then there was the time when I was eating in the common room during breakfast. I had finished and cleaned up my spot at the table (during the first week). The aide told me  I could return to my room. I was used being escorted by an aide who would wheel you back.  I attempted to move the wheelchair using the bars on the side to move it in the direction thought I wanted to go. I left the cafeteria and two feet later got stuck in front of a wall. I couldn't figure out how to turn the wheelchair to the right using the handle bars to get back to my room. I sat there for what seemed like ten minutes ( I think it was five ) Not being able to move the wheelchair made me both depressed and made me laugh. I have a dry sense of humor and I realized while facing the wall in my wheelchair how upsetting it was emotionally not to be able to figure out how to move it where I wanted to go. All I could think about was how the week prior to the brain injuries I was driving a car, walking, etc. and now I was sitting in a wheel chair and couldn't walk, stand or lift my head up all the way. At the time I recognized how ridiculous is was that I couldn't figure out how to move this wheelchair  when previously I had done more complicated things.